linkinxero's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope Jesus had a better day.

Hearing nothing

Well, Christmas sucked. There was nothing even remotely “merry” about it. There were no presents under the Christmas tree---not that I was that disappointed about not receiving anything. I know we are in no financial state to spare, but I felt worse about not being able to give. That really is the best part.

I had to deal with my more than dysfunctional extended family. I wouldn’t have even bothered at all if there weren’t a large ham involved. My uncle, who I haven’t seen in years, came here. He drives a truck and apparently his new route brought him here for the weekend. He raided my cousin’s house, who is on vacation in Chicago, and decided to get whatever family was in Wichita together for dinner. He was drunk, as always, so it made for a less than entertaining ordeal. He got married a little while ago, and his wife is an equally disappointing former drug addict. They both talked on and on about absolutely nothing until I wanted to shoot myself for even being hungry.

My grandmother had been acting like her panties were shoved up her ass for the last few days, so it made for a very awkward interaction between her and my mother. My mother was annoyed, which eventually caused a few altercations between her and myself while we were trying to find an open store to get paper plates and cups. I got asked multiple questions about college: What are you doing in the dorms? Who are you dating? And some similar things that I hardly find any of their business. I drank some green apple Smirnoff while trying to ignore them, but it was hardly enough alcohol to numb the pain. I hate dealing with large groups of people, especially those who think they know you so well they can ask you anything. I sat in a cloud of their cigarette smoke, desperately wanting to snatch one out of their hands.

When the food was finally ready I ate and ate, trying to drown my feelings in potato salad and lemon meringue pie, but that just piled on more guilt and frustration---reassuring my low self-esteem. It tasted empty…it wasn’t even worth it.

Then I get home to find other problems that I am unsure of the cause, but I’m tired of walking on egg shells for a certain someone. I have enough problems on my own. Why should I constantly have to deal with yours? Oh here I go again, all whiney “oh poor, poor me” bullshit. Ignore me.

7:43 pm - December 26, 2004

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next